As I leaned over the counter reading a recipe, lost in my own world, I was suddenly attacked from behind. A smelly cloth was held tightly against my nose. Was it a chemically laced rag? Was I about to be the victim of a horrible crime? If having your son put his recently removed sock that had just marinated in his sweat for eight hours on your nose asking, "Doesn't it smell fantastic?" is considered a horrible crime, then yes, I was.
I have fallen victim to this type of torture one too many times. After all, I live in a house full of boys. As a mom to three sons, I have had to come to terms with a few things that only the mom of all boys would understand.
1. Bathrooms smell like pee
It doesn't matter if it was cleaned the day before or an hour before; it will smell like pee. Why? Because pee inevitably ends up on the toilet lid, the outside of the bowl, the floor and even the wall. It goes everywhere, every single time.
2. No bathroom, no problem
Nature is their toilet.
3. Farting is just as vital as breathing
If I dare ask them to hold it in I am almost immediately deafened by groans of agony. I've been told it's just not healthy to hold them in; it isn't natural.
4. Clothes are optional
Unlike girls, boys only have one area that needs covering. So, why not just run around in your underwear? It is so normal at my house I don't even notice. I've gone to get the kids out of the car to head into the store only to realize one didn't have any clothes on.
5. Legos are evil
Legos on the carpet, Legos in the baby's mouth, Legos in the vacuum, Legos under your foot in the middle of the night — Legos EVERYWHERE!
Boys can be put in a padded cell and they will still manage to break a limb or slice open a part of themselves.
7. Pockets are multifunctional
Not only can they keep your valuables secure, but they can house any number of insects, reptiles and other small creatures. Doing the laundry is a lot more exciting with boys.
8. One simply doesn't call "it" a penis
It can be called any number of silly nicknames, but never a penis. Apparently, that is weird.
9. The 30-minute beauty routine
When everyone else in your home takes 15 minutes — at most — to get ready, you quickly learn how to make yourself presentable in a short amount of time.
10. Everything can and will be used as a weapon or a pretend weapon
You might not want your kid playing with toy guns, but that doesn't mean he won't. I've seen pencils, and even a piece of chalk, used as stand-ins when playing the inevitable game of war.
11. Toys are not necessary
There is no need to bring toys along. A wrapper found on the floor magically turns into a pirate ship sailing across the tile. Boys are easily entertained.
12. Skittles can be dangerous
… when shot from a slingshot. As mentioned, anything is a weapon. Sure, a slingshot is considered a weapon; but a skittle? The simplest things can be used to cause harm. My oldest son once used a feather to cause permanent scarring on my other son. It doesn't matter if it's soft, hard, small, large, smooth or jagged; it can do damage.
I am just going to leave it at that.
14. Boys give the best hugs
OK, pretty much any kid gives a good hug. However, nothing beats a hug from someone who thinks you hung the moon. Boys love their moms.
15. The pressure of being a good woman
Having only boys, you are it when it comes to their view on women. You, and you alone, are tasked with being the mold they compare all women to.