"Honey, your (insert beauty product here) looks great today," said no husband ever.
That's because, frankly, we have a hard time noticing. And if we do notice, we are unable to identify whatever product it is that's making you look the way you look. We might say something like, "you look pretty," or, for the less experienced husband (like me), "you look ... different." Don't worry, that's a mistake we'll only make once.
For special occasions we might be able to squeeze out an impressive, "wow, whatever you put on your eyebrows looks great." But when it comes to specifics we're usually clueless. Here are nine examples of products you've probably kept on your bathroom shelf for years, but your husband still cannot identify on your face, nor does he know what these products are meant to do.
1. That glossy stuff you put over your nail polish
We men can handle nail polish. That's one thing we understand. It's bright, colorful and meant to stand out (except the skin-colored stuff, which ... why?), but apparently there's also a clear coating called "top coat" you put on after the nail polish. It's supposed to protect the nail and add some shine. Yeah, not going to notice that.
Yeah, we've heard the name thrown around every once in a while in sentences like, "um, is my mascara running?" but when it's not running down your face, it's so subtle we really have no idea if you're wearing it or not. We're too distracted by your already-dazzling eyes.
I'm not sure what it is, what it does or where it goes, but I can confidently say that no other husband out there does either.
I've just learned two important things about eye shadow. First, it goes under your eyebrows and on your eyelid, not under the eye like I originally thought. Second, a quick look in the bathroom mirror revealed to me that the eyebrows naturally shadow that area anyway. This is going to make it both hard for your husband to notice it and understand why it's necessary to begin with.
5. The famed eyebrow brush
Out of curiosity I just did a quick Google search to discover how much one of these brushes runs for. The prices I found ranged from as little as about one dollar to as much as over 100 dollars. For an eyebrow brush. To brush your eyebrows. With a brush. Eyebrows seem to have gained popularity over the last year or two, but hopefully this product is far behind.
"Honey, why did you put dirt all over your face?" That's one question husbands won't ask because powder is designed to blend in, and also because it'd land us in the doghouse.
7. Eyebrow pencil
We men aren't good at picking up the subtle things. If you want us to notice your eyebrows you'd better bedazzle the heck out of them.
Honestly, I didn't know this was a thing until a few minutes ago. Facial toner is designed to make the pores on your face to shrink. If your husband notices the size of the pores on your skin, he probably lives at 221B Baker Street.
Bronzer is tricky. It definitely makes your face look different, but it tries to do so in the most unnoticeable, natural way possible. You might need to provide your husband with some before/after pics if you want him to really notice.
A lot of guys (including myself) are pretty antagonistic towards the expensive world of makeup and beauty products. It doesn't make a lot of sense to us, but at the end of the day, our opinion doesn't really matter. If those products help you feel beautiful, go for it! Your husband may not be able to tell the difference, but you don't put on makeup for him, you do it for you. To be honest, the fact that we have so much trouble identifying beauty products probably means you're using them correctly. You go, girl.